Melancholia: the Beautiful Sadness

I have dealt with depression for several decades. 

Depression is a demon, a possession, a temporary killing of the soul. 

But there is a different kind of sadness that I experience from time to time that is strangely pleasant, it is Melancholia. Melancholia is vastly different from depression, it is old fashioned, literary. It is a beautiful sounding word and I think the song-like quality of the word accurately describes the kind of sadness and longing I often experience. It is a sadness I willingly endure for the aesthetic qualities of the emotion.

People who have never experienced true, deep, clinical depression will not understand this and I imagine many people who suffer from clinical depression may not quite relate to what I am about to describe either. 

Depression is a great and deep feeling of lack - lack of hope, lack of purpose, lack of meaning, lack of control, lack of motivation - it just feels like there is a big empty hole inside of you and you want to crawl into that hole and cease to exist. Melancholia, on the other hand, has a beauty to it, a romanticism. It is as if you are feeling all the pain and suffering and anguish of the world and you want to witness it, you want hold onto it, because it is part of the dramatic quality of the story. 

What makes this suffering so beautiful is that we are all in it together, all of us are hurting in some way. Some endure great tragedy, others just live in quiet desperation, but we’re all in this weird story together. No one really knows where it begins or where it ends or if it even has an author or purpose. Through all of that pain and uncertainty we only have each other and it is a magical thing to witness the beautiful ones - the human creatures with real deep soul, empathy and true humanity - as they lean on each other and they support each other. The kind of people who try to find the joy and beauty in all the misery, doubt and absurdity. Much like a Tom Waits song, life is a beautiful melody telling a sad story and it breaks your heart and makes you fall in love with it at the same time. . .That is Melancholia. 

Melancholia is why some people get so addicted to their soul sickness; it is this odd disorder that makes you fall in love with the sadness. Even though it causes you such great pain, it also shows you the beauty of the struggle. It shows you the strength of the lost souls who choose to look directly into the eyes of all that uncertainty and pain and say “yes” to it all. They joyfully step on that stage and play their role even though they know that their part will end in tragedy. 

J.G. Ballard said “Deep assignments run through all our lives”. I believe this is true. The smallest of roles have significance and can become epic in their scope if accepted and lived with authenticity and creative attention. 

Some days you may feel like an extra or a background player, but if you are truly alive, you can always pick a moment and steal the scene. In a world of melancholy one can create an act so beautiful it turns the pain into magic and awe.

The Portuguese have a word, Saudade: “a deep emotional state of melancholic longing for a person or thing that is absent”. There is a strange beauty to it. It is like you have a joyful ache because you are missing something you love. Although the physical connection is gone, the emotional connection remains and it will echo on through your life. The nature of your relationship has changed in a fundamental and haunting way. 

Melancholia is a beautiful pain that could drive you mad if you let it.